I smile a nervous grin while you tear into me about the litter box and ask me if I care about you… The person I love wants to know in detail how I care about them if it is not shown by me cleaning out this pot in the sink… Love is complicated but at the 8year it is tiring when you quote loving someone for Sooo long but realize you’ve stopped loving yourself longer. Salt is crystallizing over my view cuz I’m crying now and happiness is hazy. Memories and dreams don’t mean anything anymore because now she hurts. Now she wants me to come back and try to love her. Try to put away the pain inflicted by her, ignore her trigger fingers that remind me and make me relive trauma ultimately rotting me away. I can’t stand because I’ve lost my foundation. My steps lost on the ground because what was solid has turned into sand and the footing I had before is gone. I’m shaking now because she thinks I threw us away. Cheated her and didn’t give her a choice. I am a child, teenager, careless, selfish, self involved and I’ve forgotten about her. Never mind when all I knew was her and I’d fail to realize what I’d just done because it wasn’t prided by her. I just wanted her to see me. Grab my hand pull me close in the street and have me. Own this big body with me, own my clutter, own my sexual my emotional and neurotic. Tune the microscope/telescope and look right in front of her through her glasses to the moments now and not an unpromised future. I love you and it hurts. I LOVED you and you hurt me. I still LOVE you but you tell me I hate you because my last argument with you is about me trying to LOVE myself… I’m shaking now and don’t know what to do. There is no place I feel secure. No place safe without judgment or the fear that if I go to it I am out of line because I’ve told her business and slandered her… I’ll just write to you tumblr… Snot on my pillow.., while she gets dressed to leave… I’ll lay here and think about if I should move into the living room… Or if she’d want that… And I’ll sit here and think maybe I shouldn’t because she claims she still wants this… But I’ll sit here and question if I still do…

The pit of my stomach has cinched in and formed a vacuum sealed space where acid just stirs my lungs are pinched and twisted not to let breath escape …my body lies here dense like wet clay and my chest is tight… Like the way you stand in front of me tight and secure in your nonchalant behavior… I came to you today trying to find out why your mouth is dry and holds no words for me… Why the lines that look like perforations that normally give to show a smile best reflect a grimace… You’ve been gone for 2 days and I’ve been good… I’ve communicated and tried to check in with you like you need… But you’ve been lost between wednes and thurs… And today is the same my eyes feel scrapped when I start crying because your response in my attempt to find you is lackluster and you show no signs of movement. Dismissal is usual but today you’ve served a special batch of snarky and I’d like to reserve my words for moments and people will consume them for good measure. I’m afraid I might die on my sleep, have a heart attack or stroke.., and you have no idea because two day’s ago you went missing and In my attempt to stop the noise around me to find you… You’re cold… In the time you walked out on me by brushing passed me in the hallway and being short with me I made a connection that helped support me in my current awkward spiritual space… And then you come to badger me, come to stick your fork on my plate to play with my dismay and hope for stable goodness… I lie here tonight in a dark room crying with no breath afraid… And your gone again…your off in the other room asking me if this relationship is over yet? Your off telling me how I should answer your questions and why I have an attitude and why I have to be like this… My heart has truly been solid with you over the last 2 weeks and I’m sure you’ll convince me my death and the pain I suffer from the fear and violent disruption that kills me will be my fault… Thank you for supporting me, thank you for being a comfort, thank you for being concerned, thank you most for showing how you love me.